Finally get the nerve to write ‘parents with autism’ into google, read a entry from some one who practically described the horror of my childhood, get the balls to look for their profile so I can message them, and realize the post is from 6 years ago, and they haven’t posted since, and they have no current information, and the website has been inactive for 5 years. Just need some one who knows what it felt like. Can’t seek therapy for another 3 years. Then the youngest will be 18 and the courts won’t tear my family apart. She doesn’t hit him. At least I don’t think she does, that part kills me too. I’m not there any more. At 23 I ran away from home. Home is where the heart is, and that’s in three places; Jafrica, Keene, and Lehigh.
I can barely fight emptying my stomach. I’m so over whelmed. In pain, financially unstable, unhappy and almost entirely alone. I want to do the things I love, and maybe I’m just making up excuses, but my body hurts. Pills make minimal difference, aside from reducing my mental capacity.
I want to go to school for something I am passionate about, but I cannot afford to take the time off. I am still struggling daily with depression and self loathing. I know I have to do what is best for me, but right now, that sucks.
I’m scared, I have no mother or father to go running to, I have no sugar daddy, no higher education. I don’t work little enoughto file disablity. Not that I could stomach doing that any way. Charity is the bane of my prideful existence. The only person to help me can barely make his own bills.
I want more. More security. I want less. Less fear. I know the world is a complex place. But a girl can dream right?
Except I’m not. Time for a snuggle attack!
Today, anger, runs like lava through my veins.
I want to make a positive movement in the world. Not grandiose or amazing. Just see something going wrong and be that person who stands up for good. Not a hero, but a decent human.
I have a manager. Who isn’t a strong person, nothing wrong with that. But she’s no leader, no protector of the weak. I don’t know if saying ‘I am not that much a of a savior either.’ is me just cutting myself down or adds to the importance of the story. I don’t feel heroic.
A month ago, I had an employee a friend, some one to whom I am a confidant, tell me he’d begun a relationship. With another employee. Being that they are the same level, them being co-workers never made me think twice about it. He asked to keep it in the strictest confidence. I kept the confidence. Over the next month, that relationship ripped him apart. I stood by, lending advice when asked, providing support through tears. His beloved quit our mutual employ. Their relationship improved, as did his demeanor at work. I was pleased as any friend. During a particularly difficult couple of days our manager began to take interest, confiding in me that she was thinking of terminating him. In order to keep my employee I mislead her to believe it was to do with a girl, though I did not mention it was that specific girl. She, having had many difficult relationships was sympathetic and relented in her plan.
Last week, I began hearing people talk about these two being together. I noticed but did not involve my self in conversation, for fear it was merely gossip and my additions would supply truth to these rumors. Finally one night he and I closed together and I was able to approach him in private about the talk. I was shocked when he turned to me and said the manager claimed I had said these things. That she had told every one I’d said they were together. I was disturbed and surprised to hear this. To have some one put words in your mouth is frightening and defaming enough without them coincidentally being truth that was a confidence. I having had months of harassment from this lying manager burst into tears. My friend immediately knew he’d been lied to, hugged me and told me he never thought I’d defile his confidence. And had been nursing wounds to get the courage to approach me. I explained myself including my purposed misdirection of another girl. I’ve never felt so betrayed before.
I’ve worked for this manager for almost a year. In that time I have been accused of theft of money a minimum of seven times. Accused of defamation of character at least four times. And been harassed off the clock more times then I could possibly count. Text messages at all hours of the day and night, phone calls as early as six-thirty in the morning(I am a night manager). As well as constant gossip about other managers and employees. Most of which I have found to be things they told her in confidence. Sentences beginning with ‘just between you and me’ numbering in the hundreds. Several times things that appeared to be normal conversations where bastardizations of truths that would later ruin numerous work relationships. No truth safe from being spread or altered. Often shift managers would be pitted against each other, appearing always to be an innocent mistake on her part. But this happens to often to be a mistake. This woman is evil, or horribly disturbed.
Although I have seen all of this in person, and I am not the only one. There seems to be no action I can take. Most of this has happened through speech primarily and in person, with few witnesses. Most of those who have been effected could not afford to find another job. And definitely could not afford for a complaint to back fire on them. If I complained and some how legally she fought back (with the cash handling procedures she could easily frame me for stealing or fictitious paper work) my working career could be destroyed. Yet I cannot stomach sitting idly by, knowing when I escape some one else will fall into the empty trap I leave. Knowing they too will suffer at her hands, with no respite and no person to protect them. In a free country this doesn’t seem right. I am told every day I live in a fair and righteous country. Then how am I to protect others? How am I to make a better world? How am I to live a moral life? How can this possibly be right?
Who will be there to protect those who need it?
Adapted in Color only from:
Frosting Inspiration from:
Been a while since I have updated this diary, a couple entries have been deemed unnecessary and hurtful. Thus deleted.
Choosing friends with Care.
Sticking up for Myself.
Finding Happiness in the Small Things.
I’d say in a few short months that, that is progress for sure. And I know that self worth is still sometimes lacking. I tend to push my self incredibly hard and with much self flagellation. Today though I have to give myself a pat on the back. Good girl, you have done well, my young padawan. Nothing is ever worth it if you can’t take the time to enjoy triumph.